Is it our imagination, or did it seem like there were one or two instances when J.K. Rowling could have shaved a few pages out of the Harry Potter series? Or maybe even a few hundred pages? Or… hell, a whole book?
We’re looking in your direction, Half-Blood Prince.
Actually, the truth is we’d be lowballing with those figures. Just about every book in the Harry Potter series could and probably should have been the last year in the franchise. That is, if it wasn’t for the chronic stupidity of its characters. However, we honestly can’t hold this against Ms. Rowling. If we were offered as much money as she’s worth, we probably would have ignored the following suggestions as well.
7. Dumbledore makes student safety a priority during Harry’s first year
When we are first introduced to Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, it is made explicitly clear that Harry is destined to become the most important wizard who ever lived.
After a good decade of child abuse, of course.
As such, you’d expect Dumbledore to have gone out of his way to ensure Harry’s safety during his first year at Hogwarts instead of, you know, making the school as unsafe for children as possible. Dumbledore knew the Sorcerer’s Stone was one of the most powerful and sought-after artifacts in existence, never mind something Voldemort could come back from the dead with. So, why the hell does Dumbledore even allow the Sorcerer’s Stone into Hogwarts? If even Gringotts is not a safe enough place for it, shouldn’t it be kept somewhere in the Ministry of Magic instead of, oh, we don’t know… a school full of children.
It’d be like having Fort Knox share the same building as Springfield Elementary.
Also, having the most cowardly wizard on payroll serving as the school’s Defense Against the Dark Arts is pretty goddamn stupid as well. When you consider both these oversights happened during Harry’s first year, we’re amazed Dumbledore wasn’t forced into early retirement as a result.
6. Invest in Muggle technology for campus security
Yes, we know the Wizarding world sort of operates by its own rules. Otherwise, Voldemort’s little uprising would have probably ended with Tony Blair sending a bunch of soldiers to restore order.
Hopefully with funny hats.
With that said, we’re more than a little surprised that Hogwarts doesn’t have anything even remotely resembling security cameras, which would have come in handy during Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. It could be a magic mirror or a crystal ball. Hell, even some sort of animal would have worked. Something, anything that would have freed us from the burden of seeing this movie.
The only good thing to come from this film was Chris Columbus’ departure.
5. Dumbledore and McGonagall use their time machine
Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to the Time-Turner: a device that Hermione Granger uses to take two classes at the same time in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
It’s a fucking time machine.
Also, a plot-hole repairer.
Yeah… You know what would have been a good way to prevent all those witches, wizards, and innocent children from getting murdered by Death Eaters during either of the two Wizarding Wars? By going back in time and not inviting Voldemort to learn magic at Hogwarts.
“I’m sorry, Tom, but it’s either this or I strangle you.”
4. Harry sits out of the Goblet of Fire
In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry is supposedly bound by a “binding magical contract” to compete in the Tri-Wizard Tournament despite the fact that he never submitted his name to compete and, frankly, is being manipulated by forces of evil.
Among them, the Twilight saga.
Anyway, if Harry never submitted his name into the cup, how the hell is the contract binding? Isn’t this the kind of thing that wizards don’t need lawyers for because it’s so plainly obvious when the contract is forged illegally?
If we were Harry, we would have just watched the whole Tri-Wizard Tournament unfold from the stands, legally participating in the tournament by doing absolutely jack shit in it. Not only would this have been a safe move that just about every adult in the room would have permitted, but Voldemort would not have been resurrected as a result.
At which point, we’re guessing Voldemort would have been abandoned in the woods somewhere.
3. Why didn’t Dumbledore just tell Harry the prophecy in Order of the Phoenix?
Had he done that, Sirius Black would have still been alive.
Thanks again, Dumbledore.
2. Harry decides to not take advice from a mysterious book he came across
Seriously, didn’t Harry learn anything his first time around, or did Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince occur too long after that first incident with the other mysterious book he came across that turned out to be evil?
Yeah, we thought this book looked familiar.
1. Temporarily forgive the unforgivable during the Battle of Hogwarts
The Minister of Magic has been assassinated, the Ministry of Magic seized by Voldemort in a coup, and Hogwarts is under siege by an army of Death Eaters, giants, spiders, werewolves, and soul-sucking Dementors…
Seriously, we’re pretty sure every parent on the planet would have allowed their kid to read a book about wizards who used killing curses to save a school full of children during the Battle of Hogwarts. After all, Molly got to zap Bellatrix with this thing in the movie.
We’re pretty sure any use of avada kedavra by the good guys would have not only been permitted, but it would have ended the Battle of Hogwarts a lot faster and with fewer casualties.
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