7. LUST: BANGKOK
It’s all in the name. Referred to as the prostitution capital of the world, Bangkok puts Amsterdam and Rio de Janeiro to shame. The city is ground zero for too many different forms of sex tourism and trafficking for us to list without needing a shower afterward. A veritable soup of brothels, massage parlors, and STDs, the city is a red light district that’s always blinking. You know those full-body sized condoms Leslie Nelson donned in The Naked Gun? It’s only a matter of time before the Department of Health and Human Services makes those required for any US citizens daring to venture into this city.
6. GLUTTONY: PHILADELPHIA
Let’s face it: while Philadelphia may be one of the most historically significant cities in America. It’s usually remembered for two things: Its die-hard fans and its near-fatal foods. While a sausage dog and a cheesesteak is a nice thing to indulge in every now and then, Philadelphia’s bizarre obsession with the inexplicable horror known as scrapple is a crime against nature. The result has regularly listed Philadelphia as one of the most unhealthy cities in America, which might actually explain why their beloved sports teams continue to disappoint.
5. GREED: VATICAN CITY
The entire country is one big bachelor pad, and women are forbidden from occupying its highest offices. Elections for its top offices have been bought for centuries, and its leaders have included some of the greediest of all time. In short, when you’re dealing with a city with such a reputation for hoarding that Dante Alighieri described some of its most infamous inhabitants as idolaters who worshiped gods made out of gold and silver in Inferno, it is quite remarkable to compare how far the Church has come from its humble roots.
4. SLOTH: MEMPHIS, TN
Elvis’ peanut butter sandwich death isn’t the only reason we put Memphis on our roll. Regularly voted one of the least-active cities in America, Forbes listed Memphis’ citizens as being 65 percent overweight, with 30 percent of Memphians neglecting exercise entirely. The city as a whole also watches a whopping 41 hours of television per week.
3. WRATH: CIUDAD JUAREZ, MEXICO
Described as the most violent region on the planet outside of a declared war zone, Mexico’s Ciudad Juárez is the closest you’ll ever come to walking through a level of Doom in real life. The city is a worst-case-scenario for virtually every level of crime, from kidnapping to drug violence to feminicides. It’s like a Mexican version of Gotham City without a Mexican Batman.
2. ENVY, WASHINGTON, DC
The medieval definition of envy is wishing ill on those who have what you desire. It’s difficult to find a more suitable candidate citadel for that sin than the Republican wing of the 112th Congress. Unless the city goes through some serious reconciliation soon, odds are the United States Congress is going to remain less popular than polygamy and the BP oil spill combined, and possibly sidling herpes and chlamydia for likability. A plague on both our houses.
1. PRIDE: DUBAI
We’ll be the first to admit that the Burj Khalifa is pretty cool. However, when your city’s most prominent landmark is unabashedly based on the freaking Tower of Babel, it is hard to escape the impression that Dubai is just going out of its way to look like a dick. Worse: Dubai’s cityscape sticks out like a middle finger in a sea of immense poverty. It’s difficult to find a city that has gone more out of its way to one-up the rest of the world.