The 6 Spookiest Video Game Enemies (When You Were a Kid)
Just as some of your favorite movies featured flying monkeys and boat rides that scared the hell out of you as a kid, there is no shortage of video games boasting enemies and horrific end bosses completely terrifying for children. Don’t believe us? Take a glimpse at some of the usual suspects below and ask yourself who you were more likely to have suffered PTSD from as a child: The boogeyman, or these guys.
6. EVERY SINGLE BOSS, THE PARODIUS SERIES
It is difficult to describe the six-game Parodius series as anything short of a superweapon the Japanese had been working on since immediately after WWII. Intended as a parody of numerous Konami games and shooter Gradius in particular, the result unfolds like an epic poem of every single aspect of Japanese culture that even the Japanese find weird as hell.
Trust us, Cat Battleship MK I is the only part of this whole damn series that makes some sense.
Some of the bosses are more surreal than scary, as demonstrated by the Random Gorgeous Woman at the end of Parodius…
Seriously, that’s her name.
If you are as frightened as you are aroused, please continue.
…And Tanuko, the tanuki with the enormous tanukis in Sexy Parodius.
We are so hoping to see this suit in the next Super Mario Bros.
However, even these bosses pale in comparison to the psychological war crimes unleashed in Jikkyō Oshaberi Parodius, the one game in the series your psychologist probably read a book about in college. In addition to boasting a flying pair of breasts that you have to fight in level 3…
Thanks a lot, Japan. Now we no longer fear the Mayan calendar.
5. WALLMASTER, THE LEGEND OF ZELDA SERIES
We considered adding Blue Wizzrobes to this list if only because of how badly they mauled us as kids, but even they aren’t so scary once you get the Red Ring. The enigmatic Wallmaster, meanwhile, will always be creepy as hell, be it in 8-bit or 3D.
If there was ever a better spokesperson to warn children about gropers, there’s your man. He’s Hyrule’s equivalent to a creep on a Tokyo subway.
4. THE WONDERLAND BOSSES, THE ADVENTURES OF BATMAN AND ROBIN (GENESIS)
The Adventures of Batman and Robin boasted some of the most impressive graphics ever featured on the Sega Genesis, never mind one of the most frustratingly difficult experiences on any system. However, if the game had one failing that stood above the rest, it was the psychedelic mind-trip it unleashed in “Level 3: Tea Time!” The level pits you against the Mad Hatter in what appears to be the Willy Wonka factory.
Among the many, many enemies this level throws at you is a gigantic, robotic Cheshire Cat that drops its on face on you in a Hail Mary once you beat it…
An unstoppable army of creepy Tweedle-Dum dolls, culminating in one enormous, dead-eyed Tweedle-Dum robot…
Batman on shrooms. Literally.
…And finally, a nightmarishly difficult, Kubrickian showdown with the Mad Hatter so climactic it could have served as the end-boss for the game. Seriously, just look at it.
As if flying through space to a never-ending techno track isn’t strange enough for a Batman game, the animators at Clockwork Tortoise just had to give the Mad Hatter the same creepy eyelashes as Alex de Large in A Clockwork Orange. You know, just in case the experience wasn’t traumatic enough for its frustrating, confused, tripped-out K-A players.
3. ANDROSS, STAR FOX 64
It is never implied that Andross, the evil monkey who serves as the primary antagonist for the game, is really just a disembodied brain with floating eyeballs held together by lightning bolts… That us, until you shoot his head enough times that his face falls apart.
Just take a look at those eyes when that thing explodes. It’s the same look as that horse that died of a heart attack in Animal House.
2. BRAWL DOLL, WARIO WORLD
According to Super Mario Wiki, the boss is a “cherub-like doll” Wario fights in the basement of a mansion.
Oh, and did we mention that it laughs.
Seriously, the only thing separating this thing from Doll Girl in Alice: Madness Returns is better graphics.
In all fairness, we could totally see Wario pwning this thing.
1. ZERO, KIRBY’S DREAM LAND 3
The final boss for this adorable children’s game…
…Is an enormous eyeball that gushes blood as you lacerate it with your 2-D projectiles. However, having a boss that shoots blood at you in a game rated K-A is only a warm-up for Zero’s second form: a smaller, blood-dripping, blood-red eyeball that hideously explodes out of the larger eyeball in gory detail.
Rated ‘E’ for Eyeballs?