6. Angel Grove, California
THE NICE PLACE YOU KNOW: Founded in 1775, Angel Grove is home to 376,000 people, fine public schools and a vast Youth Center complete with its own gym and juice bar. It is also the proud hometown of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, “teenagers with attitude” you can count on for support with anything from law-enforcement to countless photo opportunities.
Your ace in the hole for reelections.
WHY IT WOULD NEVER LAST: To be Mayor of Angel Grove is to be put straight in the crosshairs of some of the most vile creatures in the whole goddamn universe, and possibly the multiverse.
Your political opponent. Seriously.
Coupled with a recurring problem you’ll describe in conference calls as “mega-monster attacks,” the amount of money needed to be spent on public works projects/maintenance would make the city virtually unsustainable. Just one attack from Eye Guy could wipe out any city’s annual budget, and Angel Grove faced no less than five of these monsters each week; not counting weekends.
Whatever this is, it is going to cost a fortune to clean up.
5. Castle Rock, Maine
THE NICE PLACE YOU KNOW: The fictional setting for many of Stephen King’s books, among them The Dead Zone, Cujo, Needful Things and “The Body.”
A typical Castle Rock postcard.
WHY IT WOULD NEVER LAST: While we could see this city surviving one or two horror novellas, the city’s repeated subjugation to everything from serial killers to demons is all we need to know that the FBI probably has a whole X-File on the place. All the worse, because it appears that residents guilty of nothing more than having lived in Castle Rock at some point in their life is all it takes for them to be the subject of a Stephen King novel, even if it takes place in a different part of the county, it would probably be an act of mercy to disband the city rather than govern it.
The type of puzzle you could expect from a Castle Rock gift shop.
4. Gotham City
THE NICE PLACE YOU KNOW: Batman’s hometown, and… Actually, it’s not all that nice at all.
Pictured: A dump.
WHY IT WOULD NEVER LAST: When you think about what Ra’s al Ghul said about Gotham in Batman Begins, it’s pretty hard to make the case that he’s wrong. The city is regularly assaulted by the most infamous rogues gallery in comic book history, its police so corrupted that even good cops like Renee Montoya opted for vigilantism, its prisons so large that they qualify as their own cities, and its government is so corrupt that the League of Assassins probably has a democratically-elected agent everywhere from Gotham’s city council to its school boards to animal control.
As pictured here.
In short, a city that is a shithole under the projection of one of DC’s most famous superheros is still a shithole no matter how much you try to dress it. Gotham is so beyond saving that it seems declaring it a failed state and declaring marital the only way to maintain some means of order. If Batman won’t kill his enemies, there are plenty of enlisted men and women in the National Guard who will.
But then, if someone did that, there’s wouldn’t be a Batman, now, would there?
3. Mega City
THE NICE PLACE YOU KNOW: The “City” where all three of the Matrix films take place.
WHY IT WOULD NEVER LAST: Completely ignoring the fact that the city probably has to reset itself frequently in order to stay locked in the 90’s, somebody is bound to see that Neo guy flying through the air and busting the fuck out of everything. It’s hard to imagine how the city didn’t collapse on itself after the events of the first movie alone, what with family members transforming into Hugo Weaving right in front of them. Governing it would be a moot point since, at the end, it’s just a fetish-loving battlefield for the Machines, Exiles and humans.
Pictured: Something we’re pretty sure the Mayor’s office would have a though time explaining.
2. Liberty City
THE NICE PLACE YOU KNOW: Home to Grand Theft Auto III and IV.
Think Manhattan, only with less disc space.
WHY IT WOULD NEVER LAST: For one, there are no children, we’re guessing because Rockstar knows its consumers well enough to not trust them with anything as much as a school bus.
Pictured: Controversy avoided.
While probably a blessing in disguise, it raises serious questions over how the hell the city maintains its population, especially with all the murders going on. The other problem is, as stated, all the murders going on. If you could the kills done by the main character alone in any of the games or expansion, you’re essentially dealing with a real life super villain that no police force in the city can handle.
This one picture makes Newark, New Jersey look habitable in comparison.
1. South Park, Colorado
THE NICE PLACE YOU KNOW: A splendid little mountain town where songs are plentiful and celebrities are frequent.
Alas, some not as frequently as they used to.
WHY IT WOULD NEVER LAST: Think for a moment what Mayor McDaniels has had to deal with thus far into her administration: Alien invasions, mass-murdering children, sex scandals, Saddam Hussein, Satan, and Scientologists, and perhaps the single stupidest rabble any government has ever had to deal with.
This gif explains everything.
While we are happy to see the show on the air as much as the next person, within the confines of the show it is a miracle that the city hasn’t been nuked off the face of the earth yet.
Jacopo della Quercia is now on Twitter. Follow him!