Forget everything you know about armed robbery. The days of needing to brandish a handgun in order to force people to give you money are apparently over. Judging from these five tales of criminal wackiness, whatever you may have lying around should do just fine.
5 A Hammer
There are enough anomalies present in this story of a drunken, pregnant La Crosse, WI woman who tried to rob a Taco John’s using a hammer that we’re starting to wonder if she isn’t the target of some kind of set up. First of all, according to authorities, the heavy-set woman barreled in and said the following:
“I want a soft shell, and this is a stickup. Give me all your money.”
It’s a fact proven by science probably that the amount of cheap tex-mex food you think you are capable of consuming increases in direct proportion to the amount of alcohol in your system. To put that in layman’s terms, if you’re drunk enough to try and rob a Taco John’s with a hammer, you have no designs on eating just one soft shell taco when you get there. At the bare minimum, you’re demanding a combo meal of some sort and the likelihood of a side of pintos and cheese is off the meter.
But we’re supposed to believe this drunken behemoth of a woman who was hell bent on actually profiting from her trip to Taco John’s only wanted one soft shell taco? No way.
And then, we’re supposed to just take it as fact that when she tried to brandish the hammer it got stuck in her oversized man shorts so she left empty handed and was apprehended a few blocks later but only after she discarded the pink and white slippers she wore during the robbery?
Ok, we totally believe that part.
4 A Rampant Rabbit
Look, we’re trying to keep things relatively safe for work around these parts, so please bear with us as we tread lightly here. You see, a man in London, awesomely named Nicki Jex, was having some problems with drugs and alcohol. To help feed his habit, he decided to rob a bookmaker, which we’ve always thought of as a place where people bet on sporting events, but in London it’s probably something else altogether. You know, kind of how a “fag” is a cigarette and a “biscuit” is a cookie and Oasis is “a good band.”
But anyway, Jex didn’t have a gun, so instead he grabbed the first thing that sort of resembled the barrel of a gun and off he went. That thing he grabbed? Well, it’s called the Rampant Rabbit. It belonged to his girlfriend. It ran on batteries. If you were going to use it to subdue a victim, it would be best if the victim was a woman, but don’t expect things to go down quietly. Get it? Yeah, you get it.
The plan actually worked to some extent too. People were fooled enough that they handed over cash, except for the guy who followed the would-be bandit into the street. He wasn’t fooled at all. After Jex pointed his naughty weapon at the guy and told him to back off, he did just that. But then he promptly returned to following him and alerted police when Jex stopped into a local bar to buy his friends a round of drinks.
We’ve always suspected that when a man with a “Rampant Rabbit” in his pocket offers to buy you a drink there was something shady going down, but we never expected that shadiness to be armed robbery.
3 A Banana
Remember when you were a kid sitting in the lunchroom at school and sometimes you’d have a banana and you’d start pointing it at your classmates and pretending it was a gun? Remember how people immediately handed over their lunches and cowered in fear when you did that? Right, they didn’t, because they knew you were joking.
Now here’s a word of advice to would be felons. If you use a banana to try and hold up a gas station, people will still assume you’re joking, just like they did all those years ago back in school. It’s also very possible that people will pounce on you and hold you down until police arrive.
That’s exactly what happened to 17-year-old Winston Salem, NC resident John Szwalla. After entering the store and demanding cash with a damn banana sticking out from underneath his shirt, he was promptly tackled by the store owner and another customer. But Szwalla had the last laugh when he managed to eat the potassium packed weapon before police arrived; leaving authorities to photograph the discarded banana peel as the only evidence of the crime.
2 The Swine Flu
For awhile there, we were all pretty certain that the swine flu was going to rob us of about 1/3rd of the world’s population. But we never expected the swine flu to rob our banks. But it did just that on December 11, 2009 when a man walked into a Wells Fargo branch in Denver wearing surgical gloves and handed the teller a note indicating that he had the swine flu and wanted money.
Let’s pause here to review the absurdity of this plan. A man walks in demanding money, and the only weapon he’s armed with is a communicable disease that, depending on the age of the teller, can be overcome with a few days of rest and plenty of fluids. This is supposed to be a threat? That teller probably hates her job. She’d likely welcome a few days off spent pounding orange juice and watching The Price is Right.
Even if that wasn’t the case, exactly how was dude planning on passing the Swine Flu along to this teller? What’s stopping her from just walking away and, you know, not getting the flu?
But against all odds, his plan was a success and he fled with an undisclosed amount of cash. We’d be lying to you if we said we didn’t wish we thought to try this back when people still gave a shit about the Swine Flu.
1 A Kielbasa Sausage
If all we told you was that a man broke into a stranger’s home and robbed him by way of a smack to the face with an 8-inch kielbasa sausage before fleeing with no pants on, we could rightfully end the conversation there knowing full well that our job of entertaining you is done. Unbelievably though, there’s way more to this story, and all of it is hilarious.
Would you believe us if we told you that prior to beating one man in the face with a meat stick, the assailant rubbed another man down with spices? Well, you should, because that totally happened. What really baffles us about this crime is how in the world do you awake to find your bed partner being coated in a delicious marinade and still let the intruder get enough of a drop on you that he can bash you in the face with 8-inches of sausage? Wasn’t there a lamp or an alarm clock they could have thrown at the guy?
Fortunately for the safety of Fresno residents and wiener enthusiasts everywhere, the meat wielding home invader was apprehended by police in a nearby field and money stolen during the culinary themed heist was recovered. A positive identification of the bandit was made remarkably easy due to the fact that he left his driver’s license and pants behind at the scene.
As for the flavor packed weapon, it was never recovered. A dog ate it when the suspect tried to get rid of it. We cannot possibly think of a better ending to that story.