This Mayan thing never went down. So we’re not going to even discuss 2013 not happening. Stop it. The year 2013 is happening. JUST… stop.
Look. I’m doing you a favor here and you fucking owe me, down the line. I’m not sure when I will cash in on my favor. But believe me I will and it will probably be when you’re least expecting it. And I’ll most likely be standing right behind you. I’ve taken the liberty of finding the worst possible things that will happen in 2013 so you can be aware of there dark shadow looming and you can avoid it like the STD that it is.
(You remember Louis C.K. coining the “bag of dicks” expression, yes? If not, see the vid, below.)
THE MOVIES THAT WILL SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
There’s sure to be a cluster fuck of shit storm releases in 2013 (Tyler Perry averages about 2.3 turds a year). We found two movies that are absolutely going to suck Satan’s taint.
“Battle of the Year: The Dream Team”
RELEASE DATE: January 25.
WHAT IT’S ABOUT: An American b-boy crew heads to France to compete at the Battle of the Year International Championships.
WHY IT SUCKS A BAG OF DICKS: Where to begin with this abortion? Breakdancing drama? The fact the synopsis uses “b-boy crew”? That it stars Josh Peck, the human trash bag from Nick’ “Drake & Josh”? It also stars that woman hating fuck twat Chris Brown? Or maybe I can touch on the screenplay was written by the guy who wrote “Ball Don’t Lie”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVp_SrAL-Cg? Sad thing is that this movie will probably do decently at the box office meaning 50 more jerkoff sequel spawns will follow… speaking of which:
“Fast and Furious 6″
RELEASE DATE: Summer 2013.
WHAT IT’S ABOUT: Fast cars going vroom vroom, crashing, hot people sex things and some more vroom.
WHY IT SUCKS A BAG OF DICKS: What the fuck is going on? Why is this still happening? Can we just end this already?? Can we stop the only evidence of Paul Walker being alive?
THE TV SHOWS THAT WILL SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
“The Carrie Diaries”
PREMIERE DATE: February 19 on CW.
WHAT IT’S ABOUT: Boys, pimples, and other nonsense… the high school days of Sex and the City.
WHY IT SUCKS A BAG OF DICKS: I personally can’t stand Sex and the City ever since the time some chick dragged me to the premiere of the movie and I was deafened by a cackling group of menopausal women. I understand why the HBO series was “cool” and “smart.” Let’s be honest guys, the best thing the HBO series had going for it was the vulgarity and nudity. “The Carrie Diaries” will have none of that on the CW. This show is strictly for the tween-teen cesspool and, without a doubt, little girls will probably eat this up. FUCK YOU, CW.
THE REALITY TV SHOWS THAT WILL SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
“King of the Nerds”
PREMIERE DATE: January 17 on TBS.
WHAT IT’S ABOUT: 11 “nerds” compete to be “king nerd” and get some cash.
WHY IT SUCKS A BAG OF DICKS: Couple things. It’s on TBS. Besides “Wedding Band” (which oddly reminds me of the show ED which I love), TBS produces some of the worst original programming on cable. It also puts on the worst syndicated show on TV three hours a fucking day (“Big Bang Theory” but you already knew that). TO MAKE IT WORSE, the show is hosted by two Revenge of the Nerd “stars” to give it some “nerd-credibility.”
Please… just stop it. TBS is trying to tap into the success of this Big Bang Theory faux “dork-nerd” programming, but I can sure you this reality series will make you feel like a bully and a giant piece of shit for watching.
THE ALBUMS THAT WILL SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
Backstreet Boys — Untitled 2013 Album
WHY IT SUCKS A BAG OF DICKS: Look. These dicks are bags of dicks and they’re back in the studio! It says it right there! This information alone should make you fucking cry for 2013. Seeing the success of that shit storm One Direction surely made some $$$ register in the heads of the Backstreet anals. Hey Andy lay off! No. Here’s there fucking Xmas song they just released…I hate everything:
Selena Gomez & the Scene – Untitled 2013 Album
WHY IT SUCKS A BAG OF DICKS: Where does she get off calling her band mates “The Scene.” There’s nothing to see or listen here unless someone records 12 tracks of what happens after Gomez is stabbed.
THE COMPILATIONS THAT WILL SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
“Kidz Bop 23″
RELEASE DATE: January 15.
WHY IT SUCKS A BAG OF DICKS: If you’re a parent and you give your child this you shouldn’t be a parent.
THE EVENTS THAT WILL SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
Goat Beauty Pageant
EVENT DATE: Summer 2013 in Ramygala, Lithuania.
WHY IT SUCKS A BAG OF DICKS: Lithuanian village holds an annual prettiest fucking goat pageant. Talk about creepy.
EVENT DATE: August 2013 in Crystal Falls, MI.
WHY IT SUCKS A BAG OF DICKS: ”…brings the community and its visitors together to celebrate one of the largest fungi in the world.” Do I need to say anything else?
THE CELEB BABY THAT CAN SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
Jessica Simpson & Eric Johnson
She gave birth in May and is pregnant again by November. We know where to go if we need to repopulate this planet. I can’t help but feel bad for this second child now is being treated as an after-thought.
THE ANNIVERSARY THAT CAN SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
The Twentieth Anniversary of Backstreet Boys
These asshole have a fucking clock like it’s the return of Christ.
THE BIRTHDAYS THAT CAN GO SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
Whoa. 2013 has a host of amazing twenty-first birthdays.
BAG OF DICKS’ BIRTHDAY: July 22.
BAG OF DICKS’ BIRTHDAY: February 11.
BAG OF DICKS’ BIRTHDAY: November 23.
THE AWARD CEREMONIES THAT CAN SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
Thirty-ninth People’s Choice Awards
EVENT DATE: January 9, 2013.
WHY IT SUCKS A BAG OF DICKS: People suck.
Teen Choice Awards
WHY IT SUCKS A BAG OF DICKS: Teens suck.
There you have it. You’re welcome. Oh, and also avoid the 2013 WNBA Draft.