13 Bizarre Beauty Products for Women

tooth jewelsSome women never stop bemoaning how exhausting their beauty regimen is. The hours in the salon, the endless application of makeup, the miseries of ill-fitting high heels — all these labors, we are told, are a terrible chore. Generally we just nod along, trying not to look for a fight. But after witnessing these beauty products for women, we’re inclined to agree — women have it a lot worse than men.

Sphincter Tincture

HoneybareThe anal bleaching cream Honey Bare Butt Bleach promises that with just a few applications where the sun don’t shine, a woman’s asshole will look as pristine as the day she were born. You’ll never answer “Does my ass look good in this?” the same way again.

Blowing Bubbles

Bust Up GumIt’s hard to believe women have been shelling out big bucks for breast implants when all the while they could have increased their cup size through chewing. Yes, Bust Up Gum offers to enhance the size, shape, and tone of a woman’s breasts and improve her breath all at once. Would she prefer to snack on something sweet instead? Then F-Cup Cookies is the perfect choice.

Loose Lips Get Grips

PantyoKegel exercises are known to strengthen a woman’s vaginal muscles, improving sex and well-being. But who has the time? Well, pantyO’s allow women to do their kegels on the go, with a one-inch “Kegel Exercise Extension” sewn into the crotch of the panty. And their stylish patterns offer the look of clown underwear every man goes crazy for.

Arm Flab to Fab

Sleeve ShaperGirdle technology has long offered women the toned mid-section they want with severe discomfort and internal injury as an added bonus. But why restrict the girdle to the gut? With Très Sleek, women can wrap their arms in a constricting, skin tight death-grip and get the biceps they’ve always wanted.

Add Time to the Hourglass

Gimme HipsEvery woman wants to look wider in the hips, right? Right? Until plastic surgeons invent hip implants, however, Gimme Hips! is the perfect solution, adding inches to a woman’s waistline without having to go to all the effort of eating to put on those extra pounds.

Ass in a Can

BootypopBut it’s not just a gal’s hips that can get a little boost. Introducing Booty Pop! the revolutionary product that offers padded butt lifts. Soon men everywhere will be completely confused when they have to answer, “Does my butt look big in this?”

Like BreatheRite in Reverse

Nose SecretTrying to go from schnozola to sexy without paying for a nose job? Then NoseSecret is just the thing. Yes, women have discovered that cramming two pieces of plastic up their noses will shrink those unsightly honkers while giving their voices that congested whine men just love.

Nip Tips

BodyPerksWhat woman hasn’t wanted to replicate the experience of being scantily clad on a chilly day without running the danger of catching a cold? Bodyperks to the rescue. These silicone nipples promise to give women that “always on” look, even when they’re feeling a little off.

Gem Zones

VajazzledWomen everywhere want to look like they caught an STD from a robot, but the technology just isn’t there. Thank God, then, for Vajazzling — the application of Swarovski crystals to the pubis. Women can do it at home with their own Vajazzle Kit or have it done at a salon, like this lunatic.

Flash a Smile

Tooth JewelsWho says crystals are only meant for New Age healing and nether regions? SmileGems can be applied directly to a woman’s tooth enamel, giving her significant other the constant sense that she’s got food stuck in her teeth.

Get Reflexible

DeepthroatWhen the woman in your life just loves giving head but is sick of that sore throat in the morning, give her the gift of Deep Throat, “a strawberry-flavored oral desensitizer that can make oral sex easier to perform.” The fruity taste is for her, the pleasure is for you.

The Color of Honey

My New Pink ButtonHave you ever heard of “genital color loss”? Neither have we, but apparently My New Pink Button is just the solution. This temporary dye promises to return that pink glow back to any vagina. Think of it as lip polish, just not the lips you’d typically think of.

The Toe Don’t Show

CamelflageCamel toe — where would the paparazzi be without it? Today’s woman just doesn’t have the time to worry about being photographed with a full-frontal wedgie. But there’s a solution! Cuchini is a panty insert to prevent unsightly camel toe. As their website so lyrically explains, “As the landing strip and Brazilian wax have become prominent in today’s world, there is no bush for the cush.” We couldn’t have put it better ourselves.