Revolutionary Tea Partiers and oil-covered BP workers — those should be two of the hottest themes for Halloween costumes this year. For humans, that is. But what about pets? Cats and dogs are being outfitted for Halloween more and more elaborately these days, no matter how miserable it makes them.
If for some reason you have to step out with your pet in tow this Halloween, at least make sure they don’t steal any of your thunder. You worked for months to fit into that French maid costume and you’ll be damned if Mr. Pawz is going to ruin things for you. Put that mongrel in his place and dress him up in something that will make him rue the day you ever rescued him from that shelter.
The Hot Dog Dog
That dog of yours has been trotting around your house free from the worry of a violent demise at the hands of hungry sporting event patrons for way too long. Put that mutt in its place with this delicious looking get up and then break out the video camera for the inevitable moment when a drunken reveler at your weekly Sunday Night Football party tries to toss your dog down their gullet.
The Turkey Dog
If the hot dog costume doesn’t give your dog the shakes, maybe consider upping the ante by trying to convince your pet that, this Thanksgiving, dog is the new turkey. Your days are numbered, good boy!
Alligator Attack Dog
Ok, we get that we were taking things down a pretty dark road with those first two ideas, but even for us, this is pushing it. Any pet forced to strap on this contraption will be clinically insane within an hour, and that’s before they realize they’re being devoured by a goddamn alligator.
Man, how do you even get a cat to sit long enough for this to happen? Is there even a whole cat attached to this nightmare or is it just the head? Because we’re not entirely cool with one of those scenarios (specifically, the one that involves a headless cat waiting to haunt our dreams).
It really is amazing how far we’ve come as a society. Just a few short decades ago, kids who were cursed with a boring mouse for a pet had very few options when it came time to fancy their rodent up. But with advancements in hot glue gun and stapler technology, anything is possible these days.
Ok, we’re getting a bit off track here, because this shit is awesome and any pet should be so lucky as to wear this out in public. If your dog is down in the dumps because you put him in a Darth Vader costume, your dog is a pussy.
The Wizard of Dogs
We’re just going to come right out and say it — this is a horrible idea. This isn’t a pack of useless chihuahuas dressed up like the Jackson 5 or something. That would be adorable. But this? This is dangerous. It doesn’t take a horse whisperer to know that pets hate wearing shit. That’s why you dress up the little ones. Now look at the dogs in this picture. At least two of them have police dog written all over them. The pansiest looking dog (third from the left, for the record) also appears to be the size of a small horse. These fuckers will turn on you for this. It won’t be cute. Halloween is all fun and games until you’re grasping for pepper spray in a last ditch attempt to fend off an angry dog dressed as the goddamn Scarecrow.
Zelda the Cave Dog
This would certainly be a great option if you particularly dislike your dog, but we have our doubts about the authenticity of this photo. This dog is wearing a wig. Not only that, but there is a delicious bone inches from its mouth. No way does a dog sit still long enough to make photo magic in a situation like that. We’d love to see the defense wounds on the pet owner who actually managed to get their dog into this costume.
Triple Headed Dog
Of all the costumes we’ve seen so far, this is the only one we absolutely wish was real. A three headed dog? That’s all the fun of three dogs minus the part where you have to follow three dogs around and clean up after they drop a log in public. Why has science not made this happen yet?
Suicide Bomber Cat
Why? No, seriously, why? Why would you do this? We honestly can’t think of a situation with less potential for happy results than dropping an already anxious by nature house cat into a suicide bomber costume. Cats are fucking insane. They don’t think about shit. If there is an opening anywhere in your house large enough for them to escape from you and your costume party shenanigans, they’re going to go for it. And then you have a cat running the streets with what appears to be dynamite strapped to its back. No way does that end in disaster!