Classic songs don’t get to be classics because they suck. With that said, there’s always room for improvement. And everyone knows the best way to improve anything is by adding some curse words to it. Here are eight classic songs that would have been that much better if they had profanity in them.
8. “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor
Famous Line: “I should have changed my stupid lock.”
Suggested Profanity: Fuckin’
“I Will Survive” is one of those songs that has to have been born out of severe unhappiness. You don’t “survive” mundane things. You survive hurricanes and earthquakes and cancer. You don’t “survive” a boyfriend who sometimes forgets to take the trash out.
Whatever the object of this song’s bitterness was up to you can bet it was pretty heinous if it required survival instincts to get through. That’s why it’s hard to hear the line “I should have changed my stupid locks” and not think “fuckin’” would have been a more appropriate adjective there.
7. “It Takes Two” by Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock
Famous Line: “I like the Whopper, **** the Big Mac.”
Suggested Profanity: Fuck
Look, this is really simple. The Big Mac is fucking disgusting, and everyone knows it. Why Rob Base decided to hold back when stating the obvious to the world we may never know. But for whatever reason, he did when he decided that the word “fuck” should be deleted from his famous dismissal of McDonald’s flagship sandwich.
It’s even censored on the album version of the song if our memory of hearing the album version 20 years ago serves us correctly. That’s some ho shit.
6. “Beat It” by Michael Jackson
Famous Line: “Showin’ how funky and strong is your fight”
Suggested Profanity: Motherfuckers
This song is either the angriest masturbation anthem ever or the tamest song about beating someone’s ass you will ever hear. Regardless of the scenario, though, one thing is for sure, this song could have used the word “motherfuckers” in it. Specifically, it would have been all manner of awesome if that famous line referenced above was changed to this:
“Showing motherfuckers how strong is your fight.”
Go ahead, sing it to yourself a couple of times. Sounds pretty great, right? That’s because nobody fights “funky” unless they’re in some kind of choreographed music video routine. That word is completely out of place in the context of ass beating. Motherfuckers, on the other hand, is right at home.
5. “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift
Famous Line: “But she wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts, she’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers.”
Suggested Profanity: Slut
Taylor Swift’s problem here is one of imagination and salesmanship. Nothing about this description of her adversary in the song “You Belong to Me” is going to make any dude jump ship. Trade short skirts for T-shirts? Please, maybe if they’re wet T-shirts.
What Taylor needs here is some flowery language to turn the tide in her favor. Maybe something like this…
“Slut wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts, crabs and herpes and I don’t have either.”
Not only did she call the other woman a slut, but she reinforced the point by subtly hinting that she may have some unpleasantness happening downstairs as well. Just like that, Taylor Swift is the front runner in this love triangle.
4. “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes
Famous Line: “It was my own lovely lady, and she said, “Oh, it’s you.” And we laughed for a moment, and I said, “I never knew”
Suggested Profanity: Bitch
Man, who doesn’t think this song should have ended in violence? Or it at least should have been a little more badass than it was. Basically, the couple in the song finds out that they’re both looking for someone else to bang by way of an awkward meet up at a bar and somehow this turns into the catalyst for reconciliation? We call shenanigans. At the very least, in real life, “I never knew” would be replaced by “Bitch, we’re through.”
3. “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before” by Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesias
Famous Line: “To all the girls I once caressed, And may I say I’ve held the best, For helping me to grow, I owe a lot I know, To all the girls I’ve loved before”
Suggested Profanity: Breast?
Right, not really a profanity at all. But the word “breast” would dirty up this duet with Julio, the mightiest of all Iglesiases (Igleseii?), in a great way. In the line listed above, just replace “the best” with “your breast.” Now it sounds like he’s thanking someone for giving him wood.
2. “Macarena” by Los Del Rio
Famous Lines: Anything sung in Spanish
Suggested Profanity: All of them
Unless you’re one of the approximately 500 million people who speak Spanish in this world, the lyrics to a big majority of “Macarena” by Los Del Rio remain a mystery as yet unconquered by modern technology. Unless you run them through one of those translator sites, which only a weirdo would do. It’s the Macarena, you don’t give a shit what they’re saying.
Instead, imagine how great it would be if they’re just spouting nothing but profanity and all this time 500 million people kept silent about it because they think it’s hilarious when people play the song at weddings and don’t realize it’s about a girl who loves her dog way too much. It’s not like it couldn’t happen. Remember the Chilito?
1. “Take This Job and Shove” It by Johnny Paycheck
Famous Line: “One of these days I’m gonna blow my top and that sucker, he’s gonna pay”
Suggested Profanity: Motherfucker
If you were overheard in the break room saying what Johnny Paycheck is in that famous line, you’d be escorted out of your job by security. Not a person among us has enough restraint to use the word “sucker” when talking about laying out their boss. Depending on how shitty your job is, that’s exciting talk. The situation, like so many others, demands cursing.
And besides, look at that guy; he probably didn’t go two minutes without saying “fuck” in his entire life. It probably pained him to not say it on this song.
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